These past 2 weeks or so have been nothing but eye opening and deeply impacting on me. See i realized the reason why i had been depressed, the reason why i literally almost went off the deep end was because of things i buried deep down inside of me. The whole being lesbian thing needs to be fixed, because i was like that for the wrong reasons. I was like that because my mother abused me and was never there for me....and so my subconcious tried to substitute her with other women. Looking for that attention she never gave me. And i knew that was the answer because when i came upon it i felt this calming feeling as if my soul was saying BINGO! And so that i am changing NOW. Because in all honesty, it was mentally messing me up. Also just things i have been through in life i bottled them up for YEARS and just recently they all surfaced, thus the reasoning for my meltdown. My dad and i had a huge discussion last week on everything i held inside and it felt as if my body was released of such a heavy load that i was literally drained for a few days. Right now i feel a lot better, im going to be a work in progress no doubt, but i feel a lot better knowing that im going to be okay now. Because im doing what is best for me. That was also another problem of mine, i stuffed everything down in order to help others or worry about other situations and so everything just built up. And now im working on myself because how the heck am i going to be able to care for others and just survive in life if im broken down? You know? I feel so good right now, so calm and peaceful. Right now im alittle reclusive though, i think because its a soul searching and repairing kind of period for me. But i feel more calm than i ever have before and im ready to tackle everything one by one!
Another set of good news is im going to be a Sisterrr again!!! lol my Dad and his gf are having a baby and its either going to be an april baby or may baby ....so an Aries of Taurus!! Lol either way im just soooo excited and giddy right now!!!! I cant wait!! I love babies sooooo much!! So lets pray that Suzanne (his gf) remains healthy and brings a healthy child into this world as well. Blessings to all of you, and Thanks to all of you who have been there for me when i needed you the most. LOVE YOU GUYS! ♥
Yeah i'm totally geeking out now that i've found this site where i can post spoken word pieces. I'm going to be posting A LOT!! So check and see what i've got up right now, and check in from time to time to see whats new! Heres the link you guys! I'd appreciate your open ears very much!
Haven't written here in quite a bit so i figured now that i've got a chance i would fill anybody in on how things are going in my life so far. Well i got a different job working at Wal*Mart. It's a whole lot better than my last two jobs, i can just feel that i'll enjoy this as the time goes on. I start today and work from 2-11 so thats already a 9 hour shift. Lol the lady that did orientation with me yesterday said the girl(nicole) that interviewed me last week really liked me a lot and had already made a schedule for me for 3 weeks Lol. I was like hmm, okay guess i made a good impression then. But yeah so im a little bit nervous of course, you know the whole new job first day kinda nerves thing. But im not as bas as i was on my last two jobs. Because i just didn't like them. But i have a feeling i'll do a whole lot better here. But see theres only one, main psychological problem with me lol. Like...now that i've got this job all these stupid thoughts keep running through my head on how im going to screw up Lol. I hate this, this happens to me with everything. I OVER analyze things i guess. Maybe this is why im nuts lol.
Cody and I are remaining friends because were practically both gay and just have feelings for one another. And he clearly stated to me that he's just not ready for a relationship due to some personal issues. And i respect that. I mean i feel like he is like my souls twin (LoL) but maybe we were just meant to be friends and the love we have for eachother is so strong that we just thought a relationship could form out of it. I mean who knows what the future brings? Honestly i do feel a whole lot more comfortable being with a women than a man, but cody is the only guy i guess i'd make a consideration for. But i mean thats no big deal, its just one of those things you've gotta take as they come and be ready for and accept any possible outcome. And im cool with that =)
I've also been getting really bad vibes lately. I don't know where its coming from but its REALLY bad and could also be the reason why i've just been feeling so miserable on and off about everything. Last night when the family and some friends got together for some drinking and dancing, i couldn't even enjoy myself. This feeling, this force, or whatever you may call it was so strong that it physically made me ill. Much like the time i spent at my mothers house but without the piercing migrane. Right now all i feel is depression and anxiety. I don't know, but something strong is definately brewing in the universe. Mother Earth is PISSED. I can just feel it. It's as if the whole world is trembling with emotion and i can feel its every vibration ranging from pure joy to pure anger or sadness. And im trying not to let this get to me too much because i of course don't want to make a bad impression on my first day at work. Which i wont because im quite adaptable (thankfully). Me and my Father often talk about these feelings we pick up on. Were both empaths and literally feel the slightest vibrations in the air...and my Dad was just like "Jenn, i swear sometimes i like knowing things and being ready for them...but then again it gets so annoying sometimes that i wonder if im just cursed." And i was like "Dad, you weren't just slapped with a gift because you looked pretty, it was handed down to you because you could bare it." Which is true...i mean i know everyone has these gifts deep inside, but a lot of times they go malnourished due to society's view on things they can't explain. So its always really nice to find people who have embraced these gifts and allowed them to grow stronger throughout life.
Well i think i have written quite enough for this morning and now i shall go off and take a shower and call in at my other job and let them know i've found a new one. I feel bad, but i mean the place im at now only stays open for summer and i need something more permanent. Gotta be practical! (I know, i know im such a Taurus lol). Take care everybody♥
You know, its unlike anything you have ever thought possible when you really get hit with true love. All my life (and through possibly many many lives) I searched for just that one person who had atleast a little bit of everything i thought to be important in someone. And i found that in Cody. I swear, i have never ever EVER met anyone, or loved anyone who made me feel atleast half the way he does. It's a weird situation being that he lives in NY right now, so were technically still friends, but its pretty much a done deal that were together and stuff. And im just so glad that i got this chance to find someone like him. Its so rare that you find someone who you literally have EVERYTHING in common with. There are so many adult couples out there that probobly dont come close to what Cody and I have and its just so amazing. He is the only guy i literally could talk to the WHOLE day and not get bored or want to get off the phone with. Just everything about him amazes and astounds me. He is so sensitive and has a good sense of humor, he is independent and just strong, and i mean duh he's adorable to boot Lol. No im just so giddddy right now, this is how he makes me feel all the time. Its so electric i can't even describe it fully, you'd have to literally tap into my energy and feel what this guy does to me. Every inch of me is just off the walls with happiness. Its so rare that some people find their soul mates, other halves, twin flames, etc etc. And im glad i found mine, because i never thought i would ever find this much happiness with a person being that so many people let me down. But all he does is make me prouder and prouder of him every day, and even more happy to be his. If anything were to happen to him, i know a part of me would die inside. And idk its just so great. I know im just rambling but Its just amazing how i feel right now. I want to be with this guy forever & EVER & EVERRRRRR. I've never been so certain about anything relationship-wise as i am right now. And i know him and i will never be separated...and knowing that just makes me feel so comfortable. And when the day comes that everything is official and were moved in together, etc. It will just continue to get better and better i know it will.
OH AND BEFORE I FORGET! HAVE A HAPPY 4th of JULY EVERYONE! GET DRUNK,EAT,HAVE A GOOD TIME, THROW UP AND DRINK SOME MORE, AND ENJOY YOUR HANGOVERS ON THE 5th! LMAO JK NO SERIOUSLY ENJOY THIS DAY AND TAKE THE TIME FROM WHATEVER YOUR DOING TO REMEMBER WHAT ITS TRULY ABOUT! LOVE YOU GUYS
